Day 3 Reflections from Amanda on Victoria Falls

I was awake in my bed last night until about 4AM. Jet lag has not been my friend during this trip. Not one bit. I imagined the rest of Zambia, properly resting wherever their heads were lain at that moment. Not me, I felt like the only one awake in the entire country and I was resentful about it.

Since I arrived in Africa on Wednesday, I've felt somewhat disconnected: disconnected from myself, my spirituality, the group. I was afraid to open up and be vulnerable with anyone, afraid to share my truth -- that I was struggling, feeling lost about my purpose and uncertain of my worth. This has been an ongoing struggle for me, and the only thing that I have found really helps is prayer and openness-- showing my human side through vulnerability.

As I lay in my bed, I thought of Anne Lamott, one of my favorite authors, a woman who, through her own honest candor, has helped me to find humor in difficult moments, so I decided to google and see if she had any recent wise words to share. I came upon an interview and read something that really hit me. She said, "Left to my own devices, I'm like tide pool, with these little crabs and animals struggling for survival. I run out of soul food or emotional nourishment. Then from the audience or from my church... I can feel the tide come in and bring with it little bits of seaweed or krill or nourishment. It's gentle but it's startling--the cold water is startling and it brings with it everything I need." She goes on to say, "Our whole lives have been practicing not being startled or surprised by water and by the baptism." I connected with that statement deeply, and realized that my continuing to pretend that everything was fine, was not giving me the spiritual nourishment I was needing, a main reason I wanted to come on this journey so far from home.

This morning I was a tragic sight. Huge bags lined my eyes and my face was pallid and bloated. I had a total of 10 hours sleep in three days and was on the edge of a breakdown. I had no more walls or armor, I was totally raw. Debbie stopped by my room with my mom and I started crying like a hungry child. I couldn't function. I was whinny and weepy. They hugged me, prayed with me, and asked if I wanted to skip the tour of Victoria Falls and rest. I said no, that I should get out and walk, push through and hopefully get a good night's sleep tonight. 

Beginning the tour, I had already felt better, showing my vulnerable side by shedding some tears in front of two strong, loving women and letting them hold me. A little fresh water had already entered my stagnant tide pool. As we neared Victoria Falls, I could hear and feel a massive, powerful rumbling that is indescribably powerful. I turned around a bend and a divine rainbow was spread across the mist from the falls. As I stepped beyond the bend, I saw the falls in their entirety and experienced the immenseness, the breadth, of this natural wonder. I stepped into a small cove, next to my mother and put my arm around her as we stared out at the water and I cried, and allowed myself to feel like the precious, vulnerable child-- her child and God's child-- that I know that I am. It felt like a small cleansing, a baptism, and it was shocking and cold and awakening, and I stepped away and felt new.

On my walk back to our hotel after seeing this amazing continual water flowing, I had two thoughts. The first thought was that this powerful water, its cleansing and nourishing abilities, is just like God's love. I ask for and expect a trickle, usually getting a trickle when I am running on my will, trying to control and look good. But when I let go, and turn it over to God I get an entire, unbelievable waterfall. 

Secondly, I began to think about why were are here. We are here for water. We are here because water changes lives, it heals communities and creates opportunities. I stood in the midsts of thousands of gallons of water, flowing freely each minute, and no less than a hundred miles away, or less, there are women and children who are walking and struggling to obtain it. I wondered why, and I became grateful to have the opportunity to help others begin anew through beautiful, powerful, clean, cleansing water.